Reader's Digest Quotes and Jokes

Quotes On Sleep: 'How blessed are some people, whose lives have no fears, no deads, to whom sleep is blessing that comes nightly, and brings nothing but sweet dreams.' Bram Stoker

'All the sleep I ever needed is five minutes more.' Wilson Mizner

'A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor's book.' Irish proverb

'You can hit my father over the head with a chair and he won't wake up, but my mother, all you have to do to my mother is cough somewhere in Siberia and she'll hear you.' J.D. Salinger

'There's a new type of alarm clock on the market. It makes no noise. It uses lights and gets brighter and brighter until you wake up. I already have one of those. It's called a window.' Jay Leno

Jokes: 'I quit my job at the helium gas factory. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.'

'A helicopter loses power over a remote Scottish island and makes an emergency landing. Luckily, there's a cottage nearby, so the pilot knocks on the door. "Is there a mechanic in the area?" She thinks for a minute. "No, but we do have a McArdle and a McKay.' Stewart Franics

'My father was telling his young nephew about fighting in Vietnam. "Are you a hero?" Jose asked. "Nah," said Dad. "Did you ever shoot anyone?" "No. All I did was aim at 'em." Pause... "Who's Adam?" Margarita Bemis

'An applicant said she was a 'people person,' not a 'numbers person,' in her interview for an accounting position.'careerbuilder.com

After searching for a particular book on dinosaurs in the science section without luck, a customer looked for me for help. She showed me a piece of paper with the titile written on it: Thesaurus.' collegehumor.com

'I got talking to a couple at the supermarket and subsequently missed my bus. As I walked home, a car pulled up. Seeing it was my new friends, I jumped in and told them where I lived. "This was great-thank you," I said when we reached my house. "Do you have much farther to go?" "Not really, they replied. "We ere outside our door when you got in." Doreen Conner

'There was a typo on a test I was taking. Instead of "(D) none of the above," it said "(D) One of the above." So I circled it. mylifeisaverage.com